


Interview with Dwight Schrute

by Kimiko_Suzumiya



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 23:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12922692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimiko_Suzumiya/pseuds/Kimiko_Suzumiya
Summary: Sarah did not know what was coming when she chose to interview Dwight Schrute...





	Interview with Dwight Schrute

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! So, first of all. This is not my work, a friend of mine wrote it some time ago. Enjoy! :)

Interview with Regional Manager, Dwight Schrute of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, on the talking-show "Good Morning Scranton", hosted by Sarah Swinderson at Scranton, PA.

 

S: Good Morning Scranton! This is Sarah and our guest today is a manager at one of the dying businesses of our declining American economy, the paper buis-

 

D: What! Excuse me, that is inaccurate and quite misleading. Take it back.

S: oh, Mr. Schrute, I did not mean to offend you, but the numbers do show. I mean Osprey Paper has shut down just recently, and frankly most of your branches...

D: -scoffs- you are comparing us to those mindless lemmings? Dunder Mifflin is here to stay. -clears throat- now, let me tell you about how paper is made.

S: I think we know-

D: There are seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil-

S: Mr. Schrute, um, excuse me but we don't have-

D: -continues monotonously without paying attention to host- the most important  element is Nitrogen-

S: Okay! why don't you tell us about yourself.

D: -looks host suspiciously- what do you mean myself? I thought  this was about paper. I was promised an exclusive opportunity to advertise with the chance of selling a sample...

S: Um, no. This is just a talking-show. Now, A lot of people-

D: But you've sent me an email yesterday saying-

S: We didn't send you anything...

D: -exhales and whispers- damn it, Jim.

S: Jim? Is that your previous co-worker? But nevermind, Mr. Shrute tell us how you became in the paper business. 

D: Very well. I was an aspiring innocent youth when I took an oath to serve Dunder Mifflin and later the man himself, Michael Scott. 

S: The previous regional manager I believe.

D: Yes, how did you know?

S: You know, from the documentary about your company...

D: Ah, that...

S: Which reminds me, you once actually cut the face off a dummy during a First Aid training while working as a junior salesman?

D: - raises voice as if speaking to a man 10 miles away- the head of salesmen! And the assistant regional manager!

S: ...to the regional manager...

D: -squints eyes maliciously and stares at the host- ...and the salesman with the highest sales records in the history of Dunder Mifflin!

S: Actually, Danny Cordray had...

D: But yes! I did do that while demonstrating what to do with a body after confirming its' death...turns out it was pretty realistic just like in the movie, would you like me to demonstrate? 

S: What?! No-

D: I have a dummy in the trunk, I use it for-

S: No, that won't be necessary. Okay now, as a regional manager, how do you maintain the office to deliver a high-quality business?

D: -voice loud again- It's pretty simple Sarah. I run a military-based day to day tactics. I am monitoring the work place by recording the workers' during office time, making sure to eliminate any chances of mutiny. I also keep a file of each employee with all the information about their past and present in case I need to restore to blackmail. The workers are very satisfied with the current administration. I conduct daily meetings to educate them about the various aspects of paper-making and I give them seminars in self-defense and Post-Apocalyptic-Surviving techniques every Tuesday and Friday... You are welcome to join by the way... your arms appear weak-

S: What? No, thank you-

D: Trust me, you need this, you'll be the first to die if you don't consider-

S: I think I'll pass, thank you-

D: I'll give you 15% off on every box you purchase-

S: okay now... let's move on... actually no time left. So, let's see, anything you want to say to our audience? Aspiring paper business companies?

D: Yes. If you start a paper company I will steal all your clients, kidnap your daughters and burn your buildings down! Dwight Schrute will rule them all-

S: Okay! I think we have reached the end of our talking-show. Mr. Schrute of Dunder Mifflin, thank you for, um, the insightful conversation and the ,um, very interesting business initiative you've offered us.

D: No, thank you Sarah. You have made the right choice for having me here. You are one step away from making the best choice yet by buying our paper-

S: Ah, no-

D: Our paper is the best in the business. The soil that is chosen for it is the top in the state-

S: Mr. Schrute sorry but you cannot advertise your product here-

D:-continues disregarding the host's attempts- Dunder Mifflin, nay, I, Dwight Schrute will give you a generous sale-

S: - looks at director in the recording room uncertainly- um..

D: And a free delivery for 2 months, I can authorize this-

S: I don't think that is a good idea-

D: Let me get David Wallace on the phone-

S: -looks at director and signals for the air to cut-

D: -dials and holds the phone up, a voice interjects from the device- David Wallace, this is Dwight Schrute, regional manager, sir, can you give me the permission for a free delivery for 2 months-

Phone: Dwight? um, no, that can't happen-

S: I'm sorry, Mr. Schrute we are going off the air.

Phone: Dwight where are you?

D: -in an undertone-  I can get you a good deal!

S: Um, no. Ladies and gentlemen, this was Sarah for our morning talk-

-voice sounds unintelligibly from the phone.

D: -shuts phone- Wait! okay then join our Order-Preservation day a the office, you might need it-

S: -ignores guest- we will be back with our regular Ask-Ralph segment shortly.

\- Air cuts, a middle-aged man (the director) walks in and leads Dwight out of the room as Dwight continues his failing attempt at securing a deal-

D: Beet- Wine Making Lessons, House-Mold-Purging services, Manure- distribution lessons, Katana-fighting lessons, First-aid training...

 


End file.
